At 30 I was someone who “had it all”, even though “having” was never my goal. I had followed my desire to a successful television career, marriage, a nice house, cars, boats, etc. Yet, something was missing. My soul said, “Is this it?” I decided I wanted to be a healing presence in my community and help others. So, I left it all when a bodily intuition brought me to Italy where my soul said, “I’ll keep coming back here over and over and grow as a woman.”
I looked down from my balcony and saw a man painting the scene in front of me. I needed that painting to mark the occasion. And I did indeed keep coming back because I married that handsome Italian painter. I lived those highs - creativity, sensuality, adventure…and then lows. The healer’s journey carried me through the forgotten painful memories of my childhood. I tried to help my husband heal his painful wounds that were wounding me. Until I was lost and alone. I lost my Self and my sense of Home. So at 40 I escaped to India and gave my all to those less fortunate. I started a nonprofit to serve women and children. Yet, I was also searching to find an identity.
I discovered that I could never help someone else unless they wanted to be helped, especially those closest to me. That when I tried, it only created strife. Worse than that, by “helping” others I neglected myself. I abandoned me. I also discovered that all of my focus on others was a way to avoid being connected to myself. That facing myself means feeling pain and fear, anger and desire; in order to also feel joy, freedom and creativity. I discovered that life is better when I love myself exactly as I am.
So I got creative again. I spent lots of time sitting with myself and saying, “You have my undivided and complete attention.” I let myself feel whatever I felt. I found ways to give myself radical self-love. I prayed for guidance and got still and listened to my inner voice. I did all I could to grow closer to Spirit and to forgive all.
I found Equus coaching and horses that gave me the safety and acceptance to feel, play and be myself. I surrounded myself with “a herd” of women who “had my back” and learned to be transparent, authentic and open. I reclaimed my feminine self and allowed her to rise in all her beauty.
Now at 50 I’m continuing the journey of self-love and self-discovery. It is a balancing act. Which means that sometimes I get focused on pleasing others and wanting their approval and acceptance, trying to “help” them. I then take the time to come back home to myself. I take the time to become intimate and loving and interested in who I am. I do something creative. I give myself the love I was hoping for in those I tried to “fix”. I create the full life and find the fulfillment I hoped they could provide. Now I find it in fulfilling my calling, living creatively and being so full and centered in my own life that love overflows to others. Now this is how I heal and help - Coming Home to Myself...circling in to fill up and then circling back out to Love.